Problems are par for the course in leadership — handling them is what leaders do. And usually, they are handled successfully and leaders and their firms move on.
However, some situations evolve beyond mere problems and become intolerable. These are the ones that truly test a leader's mettle.
The most common intolerable situations involve people. Whether it's the toxic client you can't afford to lose, the partner who refuses to align with the firm's vision and values, or the superstar employee who won't cooperate, these high-stakes scenarios inevitably have a negative impact on the firm. And it's up to the leaders to address them. Fun, right?
But here's the thing: Intolerable situations rarely crash into the boardroom like a wrecking ball. Instead, they start as little speed bumps — actions or behaviors that push boundaries. Maybe you notice them, but instead of addressing the issue, you let it slide. "I went against my better judgment to keep the peace," you tell yourself. (Who hasn't been there?)
Before long, these behaviors become normalized. You hear phrases like, "Oh, that's just how they are." Sure, it's annoying, but hey, nothing too disruptive, right? But life doesn't stand still, and soon enough, those tolerable annoyances turn into giant, festering problems. And now, more people are feeling the heat, asking, "Why are we still putting up with this?" Eventually, leaders finally acknowledge their miscalculation of the impact of their toleration: "I didn't think it would come to this." What was once ignored and then tolerated has blossomed into a fully intolerable situation.
Now leaders are in a pickle. Because it has been going on for some time and the situation has been normalized and tolerated, it's difficult to know how to intervene. How do you fix what's become deeply entrenched without further damaging relationships or the firm? Even the best leaders can end up knee-deep in chaos. Moving forward from here is about figuring out how to effectively untangle the decisions that contributed to the chaos.
Now it's time to pause: Take time to reflect on the three culprits that probably brought you to where you are now:
1. The hunt for an easy way out: Spoiler alert: There's no easy way out. If you've been holding off, hoping for a quick, painless solution to magically appear, it's time to face the music. Accept that the situation is what it is, weigh the options, and get ready to tackle the consequences head-on.
2. The sunk cost trap: Whether it's a financial investment or a longstanding relationship, intolerable situations often come with hefty sunk costs. You've invested years in that toxic client, or decades into that wayward partner. But guess what? All those costs are in the past. The real question is, how much more are you willing to pay moving forward?
3. Blame shifting: It's easy to pin the blame on the person causing the trouble, but here's the hard truth: it's not them — it's you. You allowed the behavior to continue, and now it's time to own up to it. The good news is, owning up with genuine humility can actually help you turn things around.
Here's how to get the ball rolling: start with a simple but powerful admission. "I owe you an apology. I have allowed you to believe for a long time that your actions have been acceptable. I have not been fully honest with you and have done you a disservice in not speaking up. I am sorry that I misled you."
This kind of direct, humble approach sets the right tone for the conversation. From there, explain how the behavior or actions have been tolerated, and let them know that things have changed — that it's now officially intolerable. And don't get derailed by arguments or references to past incidents; stay focused on the behavior at hand.
After laying it all out, it's important to take a break. Both parties will need time to digest the conversation, and you'll want to schedule a follow-up to discuss how to move forward with new behaviors in place. Here's where it gets tricky: there's no guarantee how the situation will evolve, and you'll need to stay firm but flexible. We have found that coaching our clients through this "valley of the shadow" is difficult because there is no manual on how to do it right or best. And often, the choices are all hard.
Lessons learned
Now, the real goal is to avoid these intolerable situations in the first place. As leaders, here are a few key lessons that can help:
1. Don't freeze in the face of the unknown: When we encounter unfamiliar situations, it's easy to freeze — whether by delaying, ignoring or minimizing the issue. But inaction only lets the problem fester, and before you know it, you're in intolerable territory.
2. Don't avoid difficult situations just because you don't know how to handle them: Being a leader doesn't mean you have to handle every situation personally — it means ensuring that it gets handled. Don't let unfamiliarity be your excuse for inaction.
3. Stop letting worst-case scenarios rule the day: We all have a tendency to catastrophize. "If we push too hard, the client might leave!" or "If we confront the partner, they could cause chaos!" But worst-case thinking leads to indecision, which allows intolerable situations to thrive.
4. Don't go it alone: When facing tough decisions, seek the counsel of a trusted confidant, mentor or third party. Whatever situation you're dealing with, odds are someone else has seen it before and can offer valuable perspective.
Tolerating the intolerable may give a false sense of stability when hidden, but it will soon rear its ugly head and be known by and affect others. It benefits leaders to step up and handle situations before they become so disruptive that they take center stage and suck up hundreds of hours of conversations and efforts to assuage the situation. The good news? You can get through it — and get back to what really matters.
